An introduction

There are moments in our lives that clearly define our path, our purpose--moments that define and explain to some small measure who we are in this world. (on a side note this moment--starting this blog, trying to get a single thought down is agonizing for me, pure agony. Quite honestly, I'd have an easier time navigating a horrible case of the runs or a trip to the dentist, than be sitting here right now. I suffer from terminal writers block, fearful of every word.

I have a finger that hovers over the delete key and my mind races and my body aches for a nap, napping my greatest escape, my heaven and hell. Napping has been made better still by the creation of xanax--ahh..that sweet escape. But giving in to the temptation adds to the pile up of the hundred of other days I've started and stopped before I ever got going. But, if I can work through this--get it down despite all the fear and self loathing, I might actually feel that I can do anything. Moving THROUGH fear, now there's a concept! So with that said, I can say that I've lived long enough to know that there is a beautiful reward at the end of all of this. Whether it be a sense of accomplishment, conquering fear, sharing--the many layers of this 'experiment' have yet to be discovered. I'm here, right now, this moment and for this moment that is all that matters. My fingers are typing away and I'm not proof reading or self editing every 10 seconds... Whoops! Okay I made it 10 seconds.. So we're 10 minutes into this new medium of self discovery.) Okay maybe it's been more like an hour--for every 10 seconds I don't self edit--I spend 10 minutes proof reading. I'll work on this behavior, afterall there are only so many hours in a day.

Bascially I am curious about the human experience, what makes us happy? How do we face fear? How can we be better, more evolved, more civil to one another? How do we cope with loss and regret--how can those things make life better, richer, more textured. I am so incredibly curious about life that my wish list for things I want to accomplish is a mile long, for better or worse I'd like to give it all go (within reason of course). And probably even more important than what I do, it's the fact that people, in general, inspire me. There is no one emotion or act that is unique, we are all influenced in some shape or form by those who have gone before us--our parents, teachers, peers, great scholars, authors, even the old man sitting next to you on the train, who strikes up an unsolicited conversation, he's there to shape your life. Even the creeps, the people who are angry at the world--they are our teachers. We can sort them out to some degree but in the end what we get from them is a definition of life: happiness, love, respect, pain and joy.

I hope here, to pay some sort of homage to those people (and some four legged souls) that have marched across my path, for better or for worse, teaching me hope, perseverance, forgiveness, love and laughter. They--these teachers--are everywhere at all times. In a flash of time they can take the shape of your mother, father, best friend, or your definition God--they can define all that we are and all we hope to be.

I have a friend that had dreamed her whole life of writing a memoir (no she's not me) and one day while discussing this with other friends (our some times second worst critics) the friend declared, "how can you write a memoir, you haven't done anything with your life!" That knife was so deep I felt it from across the room. I learned something that day and, apparently, so did someone else--my friend who dreamed of writing her memoir, instead wrote about chocolate and became a published author.

Okay thats all for now...deep sigh! I'm exhausted. I will post this and probably head upstairs for a well deserved nap, no I have to go to the grocery store. Yes, part of this is breaking patterns.

So is this what defines a blog? What will happen when I send this out into cyber-space--everything, nothing. Who will read this? How does it enrich my life? Only time will tell--I suspose.